Jack: Can i order a beef and chedder please?
Clerk: sure. that would be five dollars please.
After ordering, they go and sit outside....
Drunk guy: Hey! Whats your Name?
Jack/Brennan: whats your's?
Drunk guy: I dont have a name. you see those girls over there?
Brennan: yeah. what about them?
Drunk guy: Go say hey to them for me.
Brennan and jack decided to get on their bikes to leave but the drunk guy picked up their bikes with the on the bikes and pushed jack and brennan towards the girls.
Brennan: Jack! Lets get outta here!
Jack: Your right!
Running quickly down the street,
i hear the thumping of his feet.
He's running faster, quicker than me,
floating like a butterfly, attacking like a bee.
I take a sharp turn, around the right corner,
i take one look back, and shivered with horror.
he pulled out a gun, my intensity grew higher.
he cocked back his pistol, preparing to fire.
Then it ends.
CHATAM COUNTY JAIL
A teenager was arrested on tybee island yesterday evening around 8 PM eastern standard time. the police station received a phone call from a local resident reporting that her 13 year old grandchild, Brennan Lowenthal, was chased by a teenager who appeared to be on extacy at the time. he chased Brennan down luvel avenue and pulled out a gun. Brennan remained unharmed but the teenager was arrested on site an hour later.
Obituary
Mason Naismith, one of the seven Naismith boys, died last night on Sunday, June 18 from a lethal dose of extacy. He was born on january 23, 1886 and lived till he was 22 years old. Mason grew up with a troubled life having 6 ungrateful brothers. his parents abused him as a small boy and was clinically depressed at age 7. this lead him into being a drug addict in his early teens. We will miss Mason Naismith and wish great things for the Naismith family.
7 comments:
This is really good... The play script is really funny, and the poem is swell... ;D
Hey Blowenthal,
The draft is great! The poem is excellent, using symbols and metaphors to show what was going on, not just telling the reader using plain old nouns. Also, the obituary was really nice, the facts you included really make people know about this boy.
Wonderful Work B!
<3 Lucy Carlyle
This draft is really good I like how you used like the Chatham County Jail thing. I think maybe the only thing you could do is maybe do is tell who the person is that died because i was kind of confused about that part. Other than that I think this a really good draft
Hm this is a very interesting story. i really liekd the diologue that your used to really show the readers what it was liek at the time with the guy chasing you guys. I seems like i was one of those kinds of nights that really threw you off your feet. i really liekd you laugage in it.
-lily
Can I assume you have used your own name in the story as it correlates with the name on this blog? Remember you need to be internet savvy when publishing to a world wide audience.
As you have registered to take part in the student blogging competition, remember to visit my blog to get the weekly activities to have a go at.
brennan
Good job using some description. In your first dialog, you say the boys went to Arby’s, using the proper noun, rather than just saying you went to eat fast food. This story should build suspense for the reader, so think about how you can structure your sentences and paragraphs to build-up to the action. For example, in the first paragraph you say, “brennan didnt think anything unusual was going to happen that night but they were wrong.” That sentence leaves the reader wondering what unusual event is going to take place. Ending the paragraph with that sentence and then moving to the next paragraph will be more dramatic.
You are writing a dialog, so think about how your words would seem if read on the stage or as lines in a movie. The action should take place in the lines between characters, not in scene description. You write, “Brennan and jack decided to get on their bikes to leave but the drunk guy picked up their bikes with the on the bikes and pushed jack and brennan towards the girls.” Use dialog to show the decision-making process that happens between Jack and Brennan. Extend the dialog to give us the maximum amount of action.
In your poem, I like all your active verbs: running, thumping, floating, attacking, shivered, cocked, etc. You also used some nice similes: “floating like a butterfly, attacking like a bee.” The last line is very powerful because I wonder exactly how it ends and it builds the tension in the piece. Nicely done.
Using a police report was a creative genre idea.
I’m not sure about the obituary because I thought the boy chasing you was a teenager, but, according the obit, he would have been over one hundred years old. Confused. I also don’t feel like your essay really has a conclusion. You end with the obit of the drug boy, but the story is really about you and your experience encountering that boy. That story should have a clear beginning, middle and end. Extend what you have and fill out your story. You also need to add one more genre to for the required five.
Even though this is a rough draft, you should still pay attention to your spelling, capitalization and punctuation. Not only will your efforts make writing the final draft easier, your peers will have an easier time reading and evaluating your rough work. Small things make big impressions!
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